EDIT: After publishing this post, I didn't feel good with it. I don't feel comfortable sharing the inner details, even if only a couple to give the big picture. So I have deleted many details. The big picture is: It was a very toxic and unhealthy relationship, to which we both played a role. The only way I was able to break this cycle, was to first heal my Self, and then stop reacting; I stopped playing the game with him. And just like that, when I removed myself from this toxic seesaw, he had to find someone new to play with.
I keep getting messages asking me to share my story. I keep getting inner guidance to share my story.
Yet here I sit, completely unaware of where and how to even begin?
A couple weeks ago I sat down to transcribe a channeled message, but my Higher Self seemed to take over and I shared a brief recap of my past 16 years. (Read that here.)
How do I go back in time and relive and retell what I went through?
I know it's beneficial for others to hear...to provide inspiration, and more importantly...hope.
Hope that whatever situation you find yourself in...however down in the dumps you may be feeling....whatever abusive relationship you're in...whatever financial struggles...whatever you're feeling inside emotionally...that through ALL OF THAT...there's hope that you will be ok too. That life will turn itself around. That the storm you are walking through WILL end.
16 years ago, I met and fell in love with the person I thought I'd spend forever with. He was kind, honest, followed through with his word. I was swept off my feet and thought he was one of the "good guys". He was different. He talked with me for hours. Shared stories about his children and how he had been betrayed and broken. He wanted a family and to settle down, and would treat me well.... What a standup, mature, and loving man! What a great father he is! He's different.
Only a few short months later, I decided to move across the country with him. Away from my family, my friends, my career...everything. I loaded up my little Honda Civic with whatever I could fit, and began the 3,000 mile drive (solo) to my new home in Vermont with my forever love.
I was excited to begin this journey together. What an adventure we would have! I got an awesome job with a wonderful boss within a couple of days, we found a great home in town, and I signed up to take classes online to get back on track with finishing my degree. It was moving along as perfectly as it possibly could.
But that moment we moved in together.... everything changed. It wasn't the happily ever after I had envisioned in my mind. It began with small things, but those small things grew bigger over time. I didn't even realize the conditioning I was taking part in. The conditioning to believe this was normal. This was healthy. That I was lucky. That he truly loved me. I believed what he told me: that I was insecure, jealous, and crazy for questioning or thinking on my own.
My instincts were on high alert, begging me to listen to its guidance.
But just as quickly as those feelings came in, I swept them away. I was in love. He was a good man. He gave me no indication or any warning signs prior to this. It must just be settling in, his new job....he was under pressure at work. All will be fine....
We eventually got married. Moved to North Carolina. Went through many deployments. Adopted a dog. Bought a house. And eventually had our first baby together.
The pregnancy was really hard. There was a lot of fighting. My counselor at the time was worried for my safety. She encouraged me to move out. I felt very afraid.
But I was also so full of love. I loved the little being growing inside of me. I sang to her everyday while she grew bigger and stronger in my belly. I felt confident and stronger in who I was.
It was a strange shift...an awakening....an activation...that had begun to happen inside of me. I was beginning to trust my Self again. My daughter was born in the fall of 2012, and that moment was the most powerful moment of my life. I felt so in control, powerful, strong, and so full of love...I felt I could do anything.
My husband did not want family to come visit right away. I respected this. His reasoning made sense. I realized only later he wanted to control the situation, and take that power I felt as a mother away. And for those first 3 weeks before my mom came to visit...he succeeded. I felt I couldn't take care of this baby on my own without him. He was the one who knew how to take care of a baby, not me. I believed this. And I'm grateful to my mom for coming when she did, because she snapped me out of the spell and helped me remember that I WAS capable. That I COULD take care of this precious little baby.
This moment was a major turning point, because I was awakened to the spell I had been under. I was rediscovering myself. The parts of me that had died a little inside. I could see clearer and knew the behaviors were not ok, but I still felt responsible...that I had somehow created this, or even deserved this. I began writing again. I started my business: Loving Green (and Loving Green Baby). I was realigning with my soul's path. I felt inspired. Happy. Living in Purpose.
We didn't see him much. I threw myself into my daughter, and giving her every part of my being. I loved her more than anything.
When she was 8 months old, I was strong enough. No more. I got a one way ticket back to California. But after promises that he would go to counseling and do whatever was needed to keep our family together, I decided my situation wasn't "so bad". Every relationship has stuff, right?
So I flew back to the east coast. And recommitted; giving my full self into trying to make this work.
He deployed shortly after. He missed most of her first 2 years of life. I only grew stronger and more confident in who I was and what my purpose here was. My daughter and I grew even closer. And I loved her more than anything. I knew I was a good mom.
He came back and began counseling.
But the relationship still did not improve. In only continued to spiral downhill.
His counselor finally asked me to come in and to talk with her. She told me: "He doesn't feel he has any problems, and has nothing he wants to work on. He only complains about you.". And she suggested I look up gaslighting.
My counselor told me I should leave.
I was angry with his counselor and with mine. He's trying! He's there. Why isn't she doing her job? What kind of advice is that???
My ego did not want to let go. I still loved this man. I could envision the life we could create together. I wanted our family to stay together. I continued to ignore my inner voice that screamed otherwise.
We finally had orders to move back to California. I was ecstatic to be near family again. My oldest would soon be 3. I could begin working more while she was in school. I could stand more on my own two feet and become financially secure in case anything outrageous happened.
Two weeks before we moved, I found out I was pregnant. I was devastated. I was terrified. How can I go through this all over again with this man? How can I bring a new baby into our life now?
I cried. I cried a lot. I was angry, I was sad. I was scared. But then...I fell in love with the little being growing inside of me.
We drove cross country, moved into our home, reunited with family, and 7 months later I had our second baby girl.
Things between my husband and I continued to spiral downward. Our home life was so incredibly toxic. He continued to project on to me. I was overtired, stressed, walking on eggshells, and so unsure of my Self. I couldn't hear my inner voice anymore.
And just like that, I was hooked back in...feeling insecure, crazy, wrong, and that I was the problem and deserving of this behavior.
I believed what he told me.
I had two young girls, no help, and a husband who was gone ALL the time. My family became so busy with their own lives. We didn't see each other often like I had hoped. I finally broke down crying to my mom, asking for help out of this situation; could I live with her just until I could get the girls and myself situated?
Yet her reply was not one I had hoped to hear: "you can figure this out on your own."
I didn't feel comfortable sharing what was happening. I couldn't even make sense of it myself. I was so lost, so broken, so insecure. I didn't want to involve anyone. I stopped going to meetups because I didn't feel authentic; I couldn't possibly share the horrors happening at home. I didn't want anyone to judge him.
I asked God and my angels for help. For a way out. For strength. To give me a sign. Anything.
And soon after I was blessed with a job that was everything I had asked for. I was able to work from home, making good money, setting my own hours, something I enjoyed doing (no mlms or cold calls), and the hours were in the early morning while my daughters slept. I was earning money, and not missing a moment with my girls. It was great!
But I continued to watch my life slip away. I wasn't LIVING.
I was beginning to have panic attacks. I had severe anxiety. I was incredibly stressed. I could feel my heart beating uncontrollably, and I knew I would have a heart attack if I continued living under this control and fear.
I also realized my daughters are going to live what they SEE, not what I TELL them. I didn't want them growing up in a toxic environment. I didn't want them choosing the same path I did. I didn't want them entering abusive relationships. I didn't want them to not have their own voice.
I began doing my own inner healing work. DEEP healing work...Healing ancestral and childhood trauma. Going to the deepest layers of my Self to heal what I needed to heal so I didn't pass it on to them.
After some deep healing work, and a lot of trauma cleared, I decided to give every last bit of myself into the relationship... Without judgement. Without fear. Completely from a place of love. I did everything he asked of me. I can look back now and feel confident that I did everything I possibly could to make it work. But the kinder I was... The more I didn't take on his stuff as my own... The more I healed my Self....the angrier he became, and the further apart we grew.
I knew it was coming. I knew what I had to do. But I did not want to do it. I was beyond terrified. And what if I was making a huge mistake? I still loved this man. I knew his Soul. His Soul is good. Maybe things would be better when he retired from the military. Couldn't I just hold on until then to see if he changed? The inner dialogue of excuse after excuse flooded through. I still loved him with all my heart and being. I cried all the time. I felt so alone and unsure.
I began travelling with our daughters while he was deployed. I used all the money I had been putting towards his debt, and instead used it to fund our travels. It gave me strength. It gave me joy. It gave me freedom. It gave us memories. It bonded us even closer. It was the best decision I've ever made. They got to see the world...and live among the locals, learning from them and their culture. It was beautiful.
The healing work and our travels prepared me to close this chapter. I was able to be away from the gaslighting and see the reality and situation for what it was. It gave me the courage I needed to end the marriage. We can do this...everything is going to be ok.
He moved out a couple days later without even telling me. He drained our joint account, and then closed it.
And what followed for the next 15 months was complete HELL.
If divorcing a narcissist, please know and understand all they want to do is win...at any cost. The children are used as a stepping stone to burry you. That's all they can see and that's all they want. And they don't care who is damaged in the process. They're expert liars and manipulators. They've told so many lies they are living in a completely different reality. There is only one result they seek: and that is to come out on top.
Those 15 months were the darkest moments of my life. I didn't know what would happen to my children. He tried to take them away. I was in the middle of a storm that I couldn't see my way out of. I couldn't see the end. I couldn't see beyond the moment I was in.
I just did my best each day to survive. To wake up, be fully and completely present for my children. To give them my all. To give them all the love I possessed. To find joy each day with them. To keep their childhood pure. All the while I was shattered... broken... terrified...raw...
I continued to work on my Self through the process. I had to learn to release attachment...even to my children. I had to accept that they came here for their own lessons and journey, and I couldn't protect them from it all; I couldn't stand in the way of their Soul's work.
This was one of the hardest lessons to realize; because as mothers, all we want to do is protect our children. But I learned to let go of the attachment to them. I don't own them. I was just chosen to guide and nurture their own inner voice so they could walk their own path here on Earth, confidently and securely.
I had the most amazing friends who stood by my side as I began to share my story and what I was going through. For the first time in my life, I began to ask for help. This was incredibly difficult for me to do, but I had no other choice. I couldn't do this on my own. I needed the support and love of my friends. And I needed help with my girls when I had to deal with "stuff".
Little by little...ever so slowly....I began to see the light at the end of this tunnel. Every day I just showed up. I healed so much. I worked through so much. I cleared so much karma. I worked my way through this chapter, this journey. I learned so much from it.
I learned how strong I really am. I learned how short life is. I learned to not let a single moment with my babies slip through my fingers. I learned to create healthy boundaries. I learned it's ok to say "no". I learned I can put myself first without being selfish. I learned I am the creator of my reality, and I don't have to participate in anyone else's that does not resonate with me. I learned I always have choice.
I appreciate each and every moment I have with my daughters. I am able to love their father with zero anger, bitterness, or judgement. What a gift!! I know he had to be this way for me to learn the lessons I needed to learn... and for that I am so, so grateful.
Two years later (and an 11 month deployment away!), we are now able to talk with each other, and even spend time together as a family. There is no attachment, no connection, no energetic chord between us. Our girls are getting the best from us. They are so happy. I am so happy.
And I am doing what I'm meant to be doing. I cleared a lot of sh*t. I healed a lot of ancestral trauma. I cleared the karma I needed to clear in this lifetime. I feel free, and happy.
Of course I'm human....I have moments of struggle. I wonder how I can financially provide for my girls in the way he can. I wonder if my love is enough. I get a little jealous when I see his brand new home, while I'm dealing with a rental that continually has problems. But one thing I don't have is: fear. I lived 16 years of my life in fear. And that was killing me. I went through one of my darkest storms, and I made it through to the other side... BETTER than I was before.
If you need help, please reach out. If you can't see the light at the end of your storm, know all you are being asked to do right now is show up. You will make it out. You are deserving. Hold love in your heart, because our Soul's asked for these lessons in order to grow, heal, and be able to fully experience and feel what it's like to be human.
Much love to you all.
A