Updated: May 1, 2021
EDIT: After publishing this post, I didn't feel good with it. I don't feel comfortable sharing the inner details, even if only a couple to give the big picture. So I have deleted many details. The big picture is: It was a very toxic and unhealthy relationship, to which we both played a role. The only way I was able to break this cycle, was to first heal my Self, and then stop reacting; I stopped playing the game with him. And just like that, when I removed myself from this toxic seesaw, he had to find someone new to play with.
I keep getting messages asking me to share my story. I keep getting inner guidance to share my story.
Yet here I sit, completely unaware of where and how to even begin?
A couple weeks ago I sat down to transcribe a channeled message, but my Higher Self seemed to take over and I shared a brief recap of my past 16 years. (Read that here.)
How do I go back in time and relive and retell what I went through?
I know it's beneficial for others to hear...to provide inspiration, and more importantly...hope.
Hope that whatever situation you find yourself in...however down in the dumps you may be feeling....whatever abusive relationship you're in...whatever financial struggles...whatever you're feeling inside emotionally...that through ALL OF THAT...there's hope that you will be ok too. That life will turn itself around. That the storm you are walking through WILL end.
16 years ago, I met and fell in love with the person I thought I'd spend forever with. He was kind, honest, followed through with his word. I was swept off my feet and thought he was one of the "good guys". He was different. He talked with me for hours. Shared stories about his children and how he had been betrayed and broken. He wanted a family and to settle down, and would treat me well.... What a standup, mature, and loving man! What a great father he is! He's different.
Only a few short months later, I decided to move across the country with him. Away from my family, my friends, my career...everything. I loaded up my little Honda Civic with whatever I could fit, and began the 3,000 mile drive (solo) to my new home in Vermont with my forever love.
I was excited to begin this journey together. What an adventure we would have! I got an awesome job with a wonderful boss within a couple of days, we found a great home in town, and I signed up to take classes online to get back on track with finishing my degree. It was moving along as perfectly as it possibly could.
But that moment we moved in together.... everything changed. It wasn't the happily ever after I had envisioned in my mind. It began with small things, but those small things grew bigger over time. I didn't even realize the conditioning I was taking part in. The conditioning to believe this was normal. This was healthy. That I was lucky. That he truly loved me. I believed what he told me: that I was insecure, jealous, and crazy for questioning or thinking on my own.
My instincts were on high alert, begging me to listen to its guidance.
But just as quickly as those feelings came in, I swept them away. I was in love. He was a good man. He gave me no indication or any warning signs prior to this. It must just be settling in, his new job....he was under pressure at work. All will be fine....
We eventually got married. Moved to North Carolina. Went through many deployments. Adopted a dog. Bought a house. And eventually had our first baby together.
The pregnancy was really hard. There was a lot of fighting. My counselor at the time was worried for my safety. She encouraged me to move out. I felt very afraid.
But I was also so full of love. I loved the little being growing inside of me. I sang to her everyday while she grew bigger and stronger in my belly. I felt confident and stronger in who I was.
It was a strange shift...an awakening....an activation...that had begun to happen inside of me. I was beginning to trust my Self again. My daughter was born in the fall of 2012, and that moment was the most powerful moment of my life. I felt so in control, powerful, strong, and so full of love...I felt I could do anything.
My husband did not want family to come visit right away. I respected this. His reasoning made sense. I realized only later he wanted to control the situation, and take that power I felt as a mother away. And for those first 3 weeks before my mom came to visit...he succeeded. I felt I couldn't take care of this baby on my own without him. He was the one who knew how to take care of a baby, not me. I believed this. And I'm grateful to my mom for coming when she did, because she snapped me out of the spell and helped me remember that I WAS capable. That I COULD take care of this precious little baby.
This moment was a major turning point, because I was awakened to the spell I had been under. I was rediscovering myself. The parts of me that had died a little inside. I could see clearer and knew the behaviors were not ok, but I still felt responsible...that I had somehow created this, or even deserved this. I began writing again. I started my business: Loving Green (and Loving Green Baby). I was realigning with my soul's path. I felt inspired. Happy. Living in Purpose.
We didn't see him much. I threw myself into my daughter, and giving her every part of my being. I loved her more than anything.
When she was 8 months old, I was strong enough. No more. I got a one way ticket back to California. But after promises that he would go to counseling and do whatever was needed to keep our family together, I decided my situation wasn't "so bad". Every relationship has stuff, right?
So I flew back to the east coast. And recommitted; giving my full self into trying to make this work.
He deployed shortly after. He missed most of her first 2 years of life. I only grew stronger and more confident in who I was and what my purpose here was. My daughter and I grew even closer. And I loved her more than anything. I knew I was a good mom.
He came back and began counseling.
But the relationship still did not improve. In only continued to spiral downhill.
His counselor finally asked me to come in and to talk with her. She told me: "He doesn't feel he has any problems, and has nothing he wants to work on. He only complains about you.". And she suggested I look up gaslighting.
My counselor told me I should leave.
I was angry with his counselor and with mine. He's trying! He's