I haven't channeled in circle in a couple weeks, and was so missing it. I get messages and information coming through all the time, but channeling together in circle is just on a different level and is so incredibly powerful for me.
I was so elated when one of my soul sisters was free. We had 40 minutes together and this session was so extremely profound. I immediately began crying tears of love and gratitude as soon as we set intention, and the messages came flooding in.
I wanted to know about the direction I'm headed in....
20 years ago I felt I was living in my purpose, and had visions of where I wanted to take things. But I doubted myself, and pushed those dreams aside as I pursued the more "practical" and "safe" route that would grant me financial security.
I worked my butt off. Travelled around the country. Lived in Europe for a short while. Fell in love, moved across the country, and got married.
I continued to work my butt off...searching for happiness outside of myself.
And inside, my soul was dying.
Fast forward 12 years...8.5 years ago. I gave birth to my first daughter, and those passions within me stirred...awakened once again. Those dreams, that purpose...it began whispering to me.
I listened. I began writing. I got back to my holistic roots in Eastern Medicine, nutritional counseling, and intuitive healing.
I went back to my roots. I felt more alive than I had been in years.
I pursued my passions and dreams, while raising a baby girl on my own, and living in an abusive marriage. My partner was absent the first two years of her life.
My family lived across the country.
The friends I had met did not approve of my holistic and "unusual" ways.
I questioned things. I didn't follow the crowd.
But I was still finding my way through.
I created a business that I truly believed in: Loving Green. It was beautiful and I felt alive. In the late hours of the night, I committed my time to this endeavor.
Three years later I gave birth to my second daughter. And my marriage sank further into the abyss. The abuse became unbearable. I struggled to keep everything afloat. I was a wreck internally, and was unable to advise and share my life in an honest and authentic way because I was facing my own darkness and challenges that I wasn't yet ready to share. I didn't even know how to process it myself.
I retreated inward. Trying to make sense of what was happening around me.
My soul was screaming to me. But my heart and head could not accept reality.
I didn't want to believe what was happening.
I made excuses.
I didn't want to share with anyone for fear of the judgement....
Why would you put up with this behavior?
Don't you have any respect for yourself?
Why are you staying?
It's such a simple decision. You don't deserve this.
I didn't have the answers to any of these questions myself. So I kept everything in....trying to find my way.
When my youngest was 2, that voice deep within began calling out to me louder...
"Stop living in fear. Stop putting off the life you want and are meant to live. Your daughters will follow as you DO, not as you SAY. What message are you passing on to them?"
And it clicked.
I was at a crossroads and I had a choice to make.
I had that power.
Which direction did I want to take?
So I took the first step into the unknown.
I began my healing.
I said yes to that first step.
The most scary and unknown.
And the moment I took that scary step, I felt a rush of excitement run through my entire body. My spirit was guiding me...all I was being asked to do was to listen and trust.
I knew I was changing. I was healing. I was breaking the chains of ancestral trauma that had been repeating in my family for generations.
It ended with me.
Each step I took was scary, but it was liberating. I was shedding a layer of fear and inauthenticity I had built up by following what I should be doing.
By drowning my own voice.
By walking on eggshells in order to avoid blowups.
By accepting that this was all I deserved.
By not knowing how to create healthy boundaries because of fear of rejection.
Each step I took led me to more healing. More freedom. And a clear path for my daughters to create their own destiny, unburdened by the traumas of our family lineage.
It ended with me.
I continue to heal. I continue to work on myself. I continue to look at the behaviors and patterns I've learned. The ideals and ways of being that had been passed on to me through my family and childhood experiences. I continue to shed layers that hold me back from expressing and BEING my true and authentic self.
I no longer am that same person.
I look back on her fondly...with forgiveness, gratitude, love, and acceptance.
I realize that I was doing the best I could in those moments.
I realize I was meant to have those experiences: to clear karma, to learn, to grow, to heal. To awaken that voice within myself.
I realize that I am in control of my reality.
Each moment I have choice. And I choose myself.
I choose happiness.
I choose the path my soul is pulled in.
I listen to the voice within.
I trust my SELF.
And I move forward freely...with ease...with peace and joy in my heart. With confidence that I am safe and protected always. That the Universe is always working for the highest good.
And oh what a beautiful journey this life is.
Stay tuned for my next blog where I actually transcribe my channeling and the message that came through about my business and the direction I'm heading. I sat down to do that with this post, but I let Spirit take over....
With brave wings, she flies.....