I was chatting with a friend today about something I was processing... and I realized for the first time I was able to claim that I was in an extremely abusive relationship without feeling ashamed and guilty.
And I realized when I said it out loud, and felt so completely ok with it...with zero emotion surrounding it. Zero guilt, zero shame.... I released the last piece that was holding me back.
It had taken me nearly 14 years to even admit what was happening was abuse. FOURTEEN YEARS!
I felt that because I was finally able to admit there was abuse, and talk about it, and see the gift in it, that I had released it completely.
But I still found myself in certain situations with people who questioned me... Questioned how I felt... Questioned if even what happened was abuse.... wavering, and doubting my own self and experiences. Thinking and feeling that maybe it's wasn't really abuse. Maybe I was the problem. Maybe I deserved it. Maybe I'm being too difficult or not handling the situation with my daughters and their father correctly. Maybe I'm the reason they don't have a good relationship with their dad. Maybe I could be doing MORE. Maybe it's all really just my fault. And there was just so much shame and guilt.
Shame and guilt for even allowing it to happen.
Shame and guilt for losing myself so completely that I allowed myself to be treated this way for 15 years.
Shame and guilt for not recognizing my worth.
Shame and guilt for not realizing sooner.
Shame and guilt for staying for as long as I did.
Shame and guilt for admitting I was abused.
Shame and guilt for not making it work.
Shame and guilt for taking on all the blame myself.
I couldn't even see this because it was on such a deeper level of pain than what anyone else could do to me.
It was what I ALLOWED for myself.
But processing through this even more, and having this breakthrough, feels like such a relief and joy.
It was another piece missing to my puzzle. And I am grateful for my dear friend who challenged me...whether she knows it or not. Because her questioning me allowed me to reflect further and discover within myself what I still needed to see...to witness...to release. That I was still holding on to shame and guilt for all that had happened.
I thank my other friend who I was able to process this realization with. After 3 years I am finally able to claim my past with zero attachment. And it feels like the most incredible weight that has been lifted.
I'm truly humbled, honored, and grateful to be on this journey of life. I always refer to it as a playground....where we're here to learn...to process...to uncover...to challenege...to discover...to awaken...to dream...to laugh...to flow...to cry...to feel...to be alive in this earthly sense. To walk alongside our soul families and grow, uncovering deeper layers.
I'm proud of myself for the work I've done. I'm proud of myself for the grace I've handled things. I'm proud of myself for challenging my Soul in the deepest of ways. I'm proud of uncovering more truths in my space and time. I'm proud of myself for showing up open-mindedly. I'm proud of myself for finding the joy and humor in all situations. I'm proud of myself for recognizing, and releasing the guilt and shame that comes with my past. I'm proud of me, and I can fully claim and hold my past with no attachment.
Thank you for witnessing me.